My "Harajuku Moment" About Becoming Neurotypical

Hi Charlotte,

I don't know why I came here. My parents really gave me no choice. It was either spend Christmas alone or spend in half-way around the world with them. (I don't see why we couldn't spend it at home in San Diego, like we've always done). When I'm not in spinning in neurosis, I spend nearly the rest of my waking hours in front of my computer playing video games. I bought a fancy headset, and now I spend more time talking to my squadron via voice chat, barking orders about who to shoot on what floor of which burned-out warehouse, than I do talking with people in real life. My parents tell me, "Come meet such-and-such person who holds such-and-such position in the Philippine government," and my stubborn resistance kills them, which in tandem hurts me back somewhat too.

This whole pattern hasn't been good for my mental health. There's a new fancy, sprawling mall nearby, and I meander into it, buy a coffee, and just sit outside by the water fountain, thinking over-and-over again about what I'm going to do about work when I get back to the United States. I haven't worked on any new projects for the past two months. This was supposed to be my dream job¹, and so if I can't hack it, then I have nothing. On the walk back to my parent's condo, I have the most intense, self-destructive, introspective sessions, mostly wondering about why I spend so much time thinking about thinking.

But I think there's a silver lining emerging from this. I had a marathon thought session in the shower again, as I typically do, but this time, I was so deep in mental anguish, writhing with teary-eyes, that I think I reached a tipping point. I kept promising to myself over and over again, "Please, do something about this condition." I cried out, "This has to end, I cannot go on like this, there has to be an answer out there." I repeated the call to myself over and over again, like a mantra, while the hot water droplets turned my skin to wrinkles. Never before had I created such a spike in my consciousness about my mental struggles. When I got out of the shower, I felt like I had created a tower in my mind so tall that I would probably be able to see it for miles and miles into the future, potentially guiding real change through my life.

And then, by the very act of this awareness, I immediately felt better. I went to my computer, but instead of logging on to play video games, I researched in earnest things I hadn't looked into in a long time. Maybe I should try seeing a therapist again. Maybe I should give anti-depressants a second look. Maybe I should try yoga, or meditation, or religion.

Each day is now devoted to a deep knowledge dive into any one of the above suggested ways to fix your mind. Today, I read research paper after research paper on anti-depressants. The process threw me for a loop, because I hadn't realized how many over-the-counter, all-natural anti-depressants there were, many supported by rigorous scientific studies. Which makes complete sense. It's not like humans have only been managing psychic challenges for the past 75 years. Shamans and elixirs are as old as time. The ones I'm going to try are Kava Kava, 5-HTP, Valerian Root, and St. John's Wort. Each one of these could probably keep me busy for a week as I study myself like a scientist.

There's a blueprint for me now. A schedule even! It's like I have a real sense of purpose, which I haven't really felt since 1998, when I worked on winning ThinkQuest. I'm almost glad I got so low on this vacation, rather than letting the status quo continue, with my neuroses just chipping away at my soul for years.

Now there's a enemy in my sights. This is my project. This is my Mt. Everest.